Welcome to the Dollhouse, Idiot

27 Jan 2011 by Dear Bad Dad, No Comments »

Dear Bad Dad,

My wife and I are completing our baby shower registry, and want some advice:  for our impending daughter’s dollhouse, should we go with the modernist design of a Christoph Bitzer and Wolfgang Sirch, or the more classical Greek Revival design of a Rosedawn antebellum replica?

Looking forward to your response.



Annapolis, MD

Dear Peter,

I have to admit, you stumped me on this.  I wasn’t sure whether to file it under:

A) “Parents Who Should Be Used As Landfill”

B) “Parents Who Are Out of Their Eames-Chair-Humping Minds”


C) “Why Would A Dad Be Helping With A Baby Shower Registry? There Must Be A Game On SOMEWHERE.”

You clearly are so far up your own self-involved asses, you can perform tonsillectomies on yourselves just by biting down.

Why in the name of Mies Van Der Rohe would you ever ever even THINK of spending $2,600 on a dollhouse?

You realize that you’ve doomed your daughter, right?  What man (or woman, for that matter -– Dear Bad Dad is nothing if not open-minded, especially when it comes to girl-on-girl action) will ever be able to compete with your daughter’s childhood, outside of some multi-spoused Saudi prince?  Unless, of course, that’s just what you want for your little Salome?  If so, then go with Allah.

But let’s assume that you want your daughter to aspire to something more consequential than being Curtain #36 in Prince Bin-There-Done-Her’s harem.

Time to scale back.  Trash the following items RIGHT NOW:

  • Any items of clothing which cost more than $100, especially jeans. Even if you could get one in this economy, a home equity line of credit should not be needed to clothe a child.
  • Jewelry made out of anything other than cheap Shanghai plastic.  Lead paint optional.
  • American Girl dolls and accessories (Note: If the American Girl people are so big on authenticity, then shouldn’t Native American doll Kaya’s accessories include a smallpox-infected blanket?)
  • Ponies, either of the “My Pretty” or “actual real live” varieties.
  • Bratz Dolls. Unless, of course, you think “whore” is an appropriate subject for her “What I Want To Be When I Grow Up” essay.

Most importantly, you must immediately remove the most offensive influence from your child’s life.

Look no further than your bathroom mirror.

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