Daddy Needs Playmates (And Not Just The Naked Kinds)

31 Oct 2010 by Dear Bad Dad, 3 Comments »

Dear Bad Dad,

Now that our son’s come along, I miss hanging out with my buddies.  Any suggestions?

Thanks bro,

Anthony

New York, NY

Dear Anthony,

Without a doubt, kids cramp your style.

Though you may want to roll with your friends — or, in your case, your “bros” — the missus (or the significant other, or the gal who had one too many Ultimate Mango Mai Tai’s at TGIFriday’s Happy Hour and is now the mother of your child) has other ideas, none of which involve you getting out of the house.

Not.  On.  Your.  So-Called.  Life.

You think Saturday night’s all right for fighting and cussing and carousing?  Guess again.  Saturday night’s for folding laundry, paying bills, organizing papers and receipts (tax day will be here before you know it!), touching up the paint in the hallway where the stroller handles keep leaving a mark, and cutting out dozens of construction paper jack o’lanterns for the annual fundraising “Buy Back At A Preposterous Mark-Up The Very Construction Paper Jack O’Lanterns You Spent Your Saturday Night Making”  auction.

Solution?

Bring the party to you.  Host a poker game.  Order in a wheelbarrow of hot wings and a keg or three.  Fire up the Godfather saga on Blu Ray.  (Note: “Godfather saga” refers to The Godfather and The Godfather Part II.  Dear Bad Dad does not acknowledge The Godfather Part III‘s right to exist.  Think of me as Syria and Part III as Israel.)

Most importantly, be sure your kid is a part of the festivities. Put him on chips & salsa monitoring.  Celery stick and ranch dressing replenishment duty.  Drink fetching detail.  He’ll learn valuable skills. (Note: If you have a hot-headed friend — think Pesci in Goodfellas — don’t let your boy piss him off.  Remember what happened to Spider.  There’s no good way to spin “cold-blooded hail-of-bullets murder” into “friendly poker night with the boys.”)

And wen you screen the Godfather (Note: Again, ONLY The Godfather and The Godfather Part II – play that other one and you’re nothing to me), your party will also provide the offspring with all the wisdom he needs in life:

  • A man that doesn’t spend time with his family can never be a real man.
  • You might have to cook for 20 guys someday.
  • Never trust anyone outside the family.
  • A horse’s head in another kid’s cubby will send a clear message about who owns the playground.

Once your wife/girlfriend sees the aftermath of your little get-together (Note: “aftermath of your little get-together” = “fire-bombing of Dresden recreated in your basement”), helpfully suggest that you meet up with your friends elsewhere the next night.

It’ll be an offer she can’t refuse.

3 Comments

  1. BAW says:

    You could always become a Freemason, and then a Shriner; she can’t object to that, especially if you get her into Eastern Star. Then when the kid is a few years older, you can get him into DeMolay or her into Rainbow.

  2. Dear Bad Dad says:

    @ BAW – Who’s to say Dear Bad Dad isn’t already a Freemason or a Shriner?

    NO ONE, that’s who!

    Now just move on. There’s nothing to see here, folks.

    Nothing.

    At.

    All.

    (And stop staring at my fez.)

  3. BAW says:

    Then pleased to meet you, Bro. BadDad.

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