Vive La Difference – Tantrum Management

19 Aug 2010 by Dear Bad Dad, No Comments »

Yin and yang.

Oil and vinegar.

Wile E. Coyote and The Roadrunner.

THIS is “Vive La Difference,” an occasional post about those total opposites who are wholly dependent upon one another, better known as Moms and Dads.

TANTRUM MANAGEMENT – MOMS

The Setting: Anyplace where the last thing you want is a kid pitching a fit, e.g., restaurant/airplane/funeral home.

MOM

Honus, you need to sit still.

HONUS

But I’m bored.

MOM

Please, honey.  You’re bothering the other diners/fellow passengers/recently deceased.

HONUS

I.  Am.  BORED!

MOM

It’s not going to be much long–

HONUS

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

MOM

Sweetie, you need to be a helpful bunny.  Who’s my helpful little bunny?

HONUS

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

MOM

I don’t think someone’s going to get pudding later.  I really want someone to get pudding, don’t you?

Honus drops to the floor, kicking and thrashing.

HONUS

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Mom’s clenched teeth can now crush diamonds into a fine powder.

MOM

Didn’t. We.  Discuss. This?
Didn’t. We.
Promise. Not. To. Repeat. The. Library. Incident?!

Back and forth it goes – Mom tries logic and reason.  Child tries to break mom’s spirit like a Stasi interrogator.

Eventually, the kid runs out of steam and once again resembles an actual human being.

Mom pulls out a flask and toasts her dinner companions/the pilot/her late Uncle Murray.

ELAPSED TIME: The longest 6 minutes of Mom’s life.  Ever.

TANTRUM MANAGEMENT – DADS

The Setting: Anyplace where the last thing you want is a kid pitching a fit, e.g., restaurant/airplane/funeral home.

DAD

Sit still.

HONUS

I’m bored.

DAD

You’re not the only one.  Now sit still.

HONUS

I.  Am.  BORED!

Honus peeks to see if his Dad is reacting.  Dad reviews the menu/in-flight magazine/booklet about the honored dead.

HONUS

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
[inhales]
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
[takes another breath]
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Throughout this, Dad goes to use the restroom, checks his Blackberry, shrugs off the dagger-like stares of all these people he’ll never see again in the Olive Garden/on United Flight 53/at Weinblatt Brothers Funeral Services and IGNORES his child.

Eventually, the kid runs out of steam and once again resembles an actual human being.

ELAPSED TIME: Also 6 minutes.

DAD

[cheerfully] So, when do we eat?

VIVE LA DIFFERENCE!

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