Smells Like Toddler Spirit

16 Jun 2010 by Dear Bad Dad, No Comments »

Dear Bad Dad,

My wife insists on only “age-appropriate children’s music” for Chamomile (our daughter, age 4), but I think we should listen to whatever we want to.  Is my wife taking things too far?



New Haven, CT

Dear Sam,

Tell your wife that Dear Bad Dad said kids’ music today is horrid.  Vile.  The kind of thing Saddam used to break prisoners. And that’s just the stuff that parents consider GOOD.

Let me be clear: when I condemn “kids’ music,” I’m not talking about this:

I am talking about the bastardized “rock” that rules the aural landscape of the 10-and-under set.  Isn’t what we parents listen to good enough for our children?  Are Moms and Dads SO controlled by their undying love worship fear of their offspring that the simple act of enjoying music together has become yet another instance where over-thought, “age-appropriate,” “expert”-endorsed nonsense can be crammed into kids’ little skulls like so much bad religion (not to be confused with Bad Religion)?

I attended a community festival with The Missus, The Boy and The Girl.  As if the Unholy Trinity of Bouncy Houses, Face Painting and Overpriced Bad Pizza weren’t enough, there was also live music.  The acts were described as “Happy indie-pop for kids,” “Songs about safety” and “Kid-indie rock.”

I sh*t you not.

Songs about SAFETY?!  Somewhere in Rock Heaven, John Bonham is vomiting and choking on it all over again.

All that they needed were “the born-again Christian heavy metal stylings of Stryper” to make this Bizarropalooza musical mindf*ck complete.

It was Trojan horse rock: sure, the first band’s riffs seemed straight out of the Keith Richards fake book.  But instead of lyrics like “I was born in a cross-fire hurricane”, the words that spewed out were — and God Almighty, I wish I was making this up — “I like fruit.”

I sh*t you not.

This is what Robert Johnson sold his soul to the Devil for?

This is what Jimi Hendrix and Kurt Cobain and Janis Joplin and Joe Strummer died for?

And to all those parents who dress little Xerxes and Wilma in toddler-sized Ramones and Cramps t-shirts: bite me.  I saw your kids up on stage in their allegedly cool clothes.  They were dancing to the “hip-hop performers” who “rapped” a song with the chorus: “clean up the dirty socks.”

I shizzle you to the notizzle.

Life is too short to endure sterile, condescending faux entertainment that’s thoroughly sanitized, humorless and politically correct.  That’s what school is for.

Do yourself a favor: listen to what you want with your kids.  You’ll be doing your entire family a favor.

And as far as those  performers who are destroying rock “in the name of the children” are concerned?

Let’s hope they die before they get old.

Be A Man. Post A Comment.



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