Either Cut His Hair or Shut Your Word-Hole

16 Jun 2010 by Dear Bad Dad, No Comments »

Dear Bad Dad,

When we’re out with our son Crispian, 6, people often mistake him for a little girl.  OK, yes, his wispy blond hair (that we can’t bring ourselves to cut) may be misleading.  Same with his gorgeous doe eyes and those lovely long eyelashes.

Still, shouldn’t people have a clue he’s a boy?

Especially when he’s wearing his floppy sailor hat?



Portland, ME

Dear Scott,

First of all, know that you’re going to get off light.  I’m not even going to touch the name Crispian.

OK, I lied.

“Crispian”?  What in the holy name of Satan were you thinking?  And just so that we’re clear here, I dig “Henry V” as much as the next guy (even though “Henry IV, Part 1: Die Hard With Extreme Prejudice” was the strongest of the franchise), but you and the spouse aren’t the ones who will have to deal with the schoolyard nicknames — Rice Krispies, The Colonel’s Crispy Strips, Krispy Kreme and, of course, Cris Peeing are just a few that spring to mind.  Get used to ’em.  (For the full effect, imagine the phrase “Please don’t make me go back to school!” sobbed over and over again.)

Back to Crispian and his girlish looks.  And girlish locks.  Today’s your lucky day: I have personal experience with this issue, as I have been scolded for gender misinterpretation…

I’m at the mall, and The Boy is playing in the indoor playground which has this post-9/11 “Firemen Are the Real Heroes But Instead of Paying Them a Decent Wage We’ll Install A Bouncy House At the Latest Westfield Shopping Towne Eyesore And Call It Respectful.”  Now, I try to teach my kids to share (and share they do — usually head colds).  So when this little girl with big brown eyes and hair like spun silk ambles over and looks expectantly at the toy firetruck The Boy’s gnawing on, I tell him, “Give up the truck to the little girl.”  No sooner do the words “little girl” escape my lips than the “girl’s” father shoots  me the stink-eye and snips, “He’s a boy!”

Just to help you paint a picture, said little boy looked approximately like this:

So you can understand my confusion.  Trying not to be a dick — unlike a certain boygirlchild’s father — I apologized, but not without thinking, “You know, down on level 3, there’s a Coiffure Fer Sure salon.  To avoid unpleasantness like this in the future, a bit of a trim around ‘his’ feathering might go a long way.  And while you’re at it, be sure to wax his vagina.  And yours.”

In sum, David, do yourself and Crispian a favor.

Invest in a haircut.

It’s much cheaper than therapy.

Be A Man. Post A Comment.



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