Dear Bad Dad ®

Dear Bad Dad,

How was your weekend?

Mine? Two words: AWE SOME.

Slept in Saturday ay-em. Had one too many (OK, for reals, SIX too many) Happy Hour Jägerbombs on Friday. Christ, I LOVE Jägerbombs, but they don’t love me, knowwhatI’msayin?

Saturday, caught Alabama/Ole Miss (GO BAMA!), then chillaxed a bit, got my drink on, and hooked up with this hottie I met at B-Dawg’s place.

Sunday, two words: Packers-Rams! (GO PACK!)

Hope yours was even 1% as EPIC as mine.

Peace,

Jeremy

Richmond, VA

YO J-DAWG!

MY WEEKEND WAS FAN-FRIGGIN-TASTIC! If my weekend was a Russian supermodel, then Svetlana was wined, dined and satisfied, knowwhatI’msayin? (To be clear, I’m saying my weekend was like having sexual intercourse with a very attractive woman of Russian extraction whose name is Svetlana.) Read More »

Dear Bad Dad,

My wife and I are completing our baby shower registry, and want some advice:  for our impending daughter’s dollhouse, should we go with the modernist design of a Christoph Bitzer and Wolfgang Sirch, or the more classical Greek Revival design of a Rosedawn antebellum replica?

Looking forward to your response.

Regards,

Peter

Annapolis, MD

Dear Peter,

I have to admit, you stumped me on this.  I wasn’t sure whether to file it under:

A) “Parents Who Should Be Used As Landfill”

B) “Parents Who Are Out of Their Eames-Chair-Humping Minds”

or

C) “Why Would A Dad Be Helping With A Baby Shower Registry? There Must Be A Game On SOMEWHERE.” Read More »

Dear Bad Dad,

Brand New Year, same old problem.

My wife is freaking out about our daughter’s fifth birthday party (just like how she freaked before the fourth, third, second and first).  I suggested “let’d just do something simple.” She nearly filed for divorce.

Any thoughts on how to approach this so that: 1) our kid has a nice time and 2) my wife doesn’t leave me.

Anxiously,

Tom

New Haven, CT

Dear Tom,

Ah, birthday parties.

Times to rejoice.  Times to reflect.  Times to mark a child’s journey from infancy to adolescence to adulthood to moving back in with his parents.

Yet there is also a dark side to the celebrations.

Namely, the celebrations. Read More »

Dear Bad Dad,

Now that our son’s come along, I miss hanging out with my buddies.  Any suggestions?

Thanks bro,

Anthony

New York, NY

Dear Anthony,

Without a doubt, kids cramp your style.

Though you may want to roll with your friends — or, in your case, your “bros” — the missus (or the significant other, or the gal who had one too many Ultimate Mango Mai Tai’s at TGIFriday’s Happy Hour and is now the mother of your child) has other ideas, none of which involve you getting out of the house.

Not.  On.  Your.  So-Called.  Life. Read More »

Dear Bad Dad,

I believe in America.

America has made my fortune.

And I raised my daughter in the American fashion. I gave her freedom, but I taught her never to dishonor her family. She found a boyfriend; not an Italian. She went to the movies with him; she stayed out late. I didn’t protest. Two months ago, he took her for a drive, with another boyfriend. They made her drink whiskey. And then they tried to take advantage of her. She resisted. She kept her honor.  So they beat her, like an animal.

When I went to the hospital, her nose was a’broken. Her jaw was a’shattered, held together by wire. She couldn’t even weep because of the pain. But I wept. Why did I weep? She was the light of my life beautiful girl. Now she will never be beautiful again. I went to the police, like a good American. These two boys were brought to trial. The judge sentenced them to three years in prison – suspended sentence. Suspended sentence! They went free that very day! I stood in the courtroom like a fool. And those two bastards, they smiled at me.

Then I said to my wife, for justice, we must go to Dear Bad Dad.

Sincerely,

Amerigo Bonasera

Little Italy, NY

Bonesera … Bonasera…

What have I ever done to make you to treat me so disrespectfully? If you had come to me in friendship then this scum that ruined your daughter would be suffering this very day. And if by chance an honest man like yourself should make enemies then they would become my enemies. And then, they would fear you.